An Open Letter to My Industry, by Lexine Hepworth
As a young line cook I was sexually assaulted by a drunken manager.
After a boozy staff dinner, I shared a taxi with said manager as I felt sure that was the safest way to get home, as he was my friend and someone I trusted in the workplace. But instead I was humiliated while two other male colleagues bore witness to the assault, in the car and said nothing. Said nothing as I shouted and pushed him off. Said nothing as I got out of the car in the middle of nowhere and walked home in the dark. Scared, alone on Christmas Eve.
The next day I had to face this man at work. I had been up all night crying; my eyes red and swollen, I was in shock, angry and puzzlingly ashamed. I got a sheepish apology, but I told him to stay clear of me for the rest of the day. My trust in him was now completely broken.
To a young female chef so desperate to prove herself in a ‘man’s world’, I shut my mouth and kept my head down. I was terrified of being labeled a tease or worse yet, a LIAR. When you are a part of a big kitchen it’s natural to have ‘banter’ with your colleagues. We are groomed to believe bad behavior is just ‘banter’ and I assumed what happened would be deemed a silly drunken push on boundaries. I felt like a nobody and I felt stupid. Who would take me seriously? It wasn’t a big deal because it wasn't rape. So, who cares?
I worked in a well-known kitchen and I convinced myself speaking out would only come back to hurt me. Would the owners believe me? Even if people did, would it be taken seriously? He was important to them; who was I? My head spun with so many questions and so much confusion. In my head I was not important therefore, my voice did not matter.
To go through this in such formative years of my career took its toll on my mental health. I would go into work and cry in silence, tears rolling down my cheeks as I chopped away in the kitchen. My face would be hot with anger and I had no one to talk to. After that night how could I rely on any of my male colleagues to understand or back me up? Maybe if it had been just the two of us, I might have been able to talk about it after. But after seeing the other guys in that car say nothing, it appeared that no one gave a shit about me. Where was the ‘brigade’ or the camaraderie I had grown to love?
And this was not a lone incident. I cannot express how frustrating it is to have gone through experiences like this time and time again over the course of my career. No matter how far I come, how hard I work, this attitude of ‘kitchen banter’ hasn't change. I’ve been forcefully bent over kitchen tables and had my ass smacked in front of 30 blokes. Shoulder barged by guys twice my size towards hot stove tops because I didn't want to fuck them. Even years later at a completely different stage in my life someone came into MY kitchen and grabbed MY ass!
Eventually I quit my job at the restaurant in question, which was beyond devastating. I was sad at the loss of somebody I had considered a ‘friend’, and to have put in such hard graft for so long, only to cut all ties with a restaurant I loved so much. I remember crying as I gave my notice to the head Chef/Patron who I adored. He was a kind, caring man who had taught me and nurtured me for the past two years. He seemed completely lost as to why I was leaving, although I’m sure he knew something was wrong, I didn’t want to talk. I just told him I really needed to get away.
When the #MeToo movement began I started to realise that I wasn't alone, and that these things don't disappear with time. It meant I finally felt able to tell my family of my experiences. I spoke truthfully about past episodes of depression, about my moments of pain and sadness. I found my voice and can now speak openly about the things I found too ‘uncomfortable’ before. Recently I decided to confront the man who assaulted me. I wanted him to know the pain he had caused me, to understand the consequences of his actions. I was living with them for so long and I felt he should know. I was surprised to receive an apology! It was the closure I needed, which was a real blessing. I felt happy but also confused by his extremely forthcoming apology. I kind of just wanted him to be a massive dickhead, maybe ignore my email or reply back denying it. That way I could continue to be angry at him, even demonize him in my head. But I got an honest, heartfelt apology that genuinely seemed he has been beating himself up about it for the past few years. I felt sorry for him, even pitied him. But it will never change what he did.
This event distinctly effected many future decisions in my life. My career choices were completely altered because I believed all fine dining kitchens would have a similar attitude. I worked for years dreaming to be the proud Head Chef of my own Michelin star one day. I gave up all my teenage years slaving away and telling myself it would all come to be worth it in the end. But I completely lost sight of those dreams and I ended up moving away from fine dining. I still feel a sense of loss and a pit of frustration deep in my belly. A loss of an opportunity to speak out about what happened to me and what happens to so many women. I’m still trying to figure out how to manage all of this anger or confusion I feel. All I can think to myself is what if I had spoken up earlier? Could I have made a difference? Would that kitchen have spoken to their teams? Would that kitchen have been educated on what is ‘banter’ and what is abuse? Could it possibly have stopped something similar happening to someone else? I feel an inexplicable guilt for that young chef I see when looking at old photos of myself. The one who went through years of mental pain, who was so small and thought she was so big.
We as females in the industry hold a responsibility as well as the men. Every time I have laughed off someone commenting on my ass, or making a lewd joke, I have let the man walk away thinking that it was ok. It is not. We all play a role in fixing this problem. We play a role as females to empower other women to speak up, to teach the men what acceptable work ‘banter’ is, and also to teach each other to value ourselves more.
As for the men? They have a responsibility to respect and include women in their team, and to understand we are not sexual objects or doing this for a laugh.
Lexine Hepworth grew up in her family-owned hotel in Chester, north west England. She moved to France at the age of 16 to follow her dreams of becoming a chef, joining an all-French catering school and working through some of the areas respected Michelin star restaurants. She was nominated for Best apprentice in France where she claimed a gold medal in 2009 and a second gold medal for national ‘Jean Rougie foie gras and truffle’ award in 2011. She later moved back to the UK and served her two years at The Waterside Inn under chef Alain Roux. Understanding the importance of diversity for knowledge, she has worked in everything from Parisian private dining, to large scale events catering for the Queen. Lexine is now the first ever (in 127 years!) female Chef to oversee the Hong Kong Jockey Club’s Racecourse Catering.